Being Sisyphus

Published: 05 Feb 25 11:19 UTC

Last Updated: 05 Feb 25 11:27 UTC

Many things in life exhaust me. One of the culprits I've identified recently has been the drive to constantly improve.

My subsequent writing will be focused on improvement in the context of a profession. In my case, software engineering.

Why is this exhausting?

My parents were raised in a culture that promotes self-improvement. They instilled that in me.

Self-improvement in and of itself is a good thing. Who wouldn't want to get better at something?

The reason behind why anyone wants to improve themselves is all important.

Fear versus Enjoyment

Self-improvement because of genuine enjoyment is wonderful. I think it's a virtuous cycle.

You choose something. You improve your skills. You see an improvement or simply derive joy out of trying to get better. This creates an incentive to improve further. You get better at something and you are happy because of it and/or while you're getting better. The process of self-improvement becomes a means to happiness.

Self-improvement because of fear is exhausting. There are myriad reasons for such fear. Falling behind, being "exposed", failing, looking silly, etc. I think this fear frequently gets lumped under the general term of imposter syndrome.

Yet I don't think "oh it's common to feel imposter syndrome, that's OK, everyone feels it" helps at all.

Self-improvement in these circumstances feel hollow. Goals don't seem to feel meaningful or motivating - they're checkpoints just to stay in the game. You're chasing survival, not happiness or fulfilment.

Am I driven by fear-based self-improvement?

Partially, sometimes. I am a late-ish career changer. I don't have a formal degree in computer science.

The more I learn, the more I realise how little I know.

I work with people who are significantly more intelligent and experienced than me. They are also younger and much better looking than me.

Just kidding, I am much better looking.

On the flip-side, I enjoy programming.

I like looking at problems and trying to find solutions. I like solving things and getting fast feedback.

I like writing code that solves problems and does it in a simple and performant way (frequently not easy to achieve both at the same time).

These are the reasons why I chose to change career in the first place.

I like being able to do the above things better.

What's the solution?

If I had a good solution that worked for everyone, I'd be a rich author/blogger/public speaker/podcaster/social media influencer.

I am none of those things.

I don't have good advice. What I found useful was to ask questions:

I'm not advocating people adopt toxic positivity or change careers when they feel like they get imposter syndrome. But to me, self-improvement only feels worthwhile if you're enjoying the ride, not just trying to get to the destination.

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